Thames Wharf

Apologies for the lack of updates (again).  If you haven’t seen my Facebook page post, I have a good excuse this time: I’m pregnant, and am currently spending 90% of my free time asleep, while the remaining 10% is divided between complaining about how tired I am and eating crisps.

Anyway, back to the tomb raidin’:

Lara’s next adventure is a little closer to home: she’s come to London to seek out the Eye of Isis, another of the meteorite artefacts.

Here we have the splash screen for London, which, according to that map in the corner, is located somewhere in the North Sea.  Having extensive knowledge of London (i.e. I’ve been there), I can assure you this is not the case.

I love the assortment of Biffa bins and bags of rubbish.  Welcome to noble and historic England, everyone!

 

We begin this leg of the adventure on the rooftops, looking towards our eventual destination, St. Paul’s Cathedral (or what I assume to be St. Paul’s, anyway).

 

The background of this level is plastered with photographs of London at night, although I’m not exactly sure where this is meant to be.  Convent Garden?

 

I realise this seems to be a picture of Lara fighting with a disembodied beak and a pair of claws, but it’s actually the best picture I could get of one of the killer crows that attack Lara on this level.  Apparently the crows of London are a lot more highly-strung that the ones we get where I live, which are largely indifferent to my presence.

 

Another, more plausible enemy in this level is the gun-toting Cockney who makes hilarious noises when he dies:

 

“Cor, blimey, guv’nor! I’ve copped a packet!”

 

Having escaped the wrath of the Dick Van Dyke wannabe, Lara finds herself in this rather creepy, abandoned old building.  As rudimentary as they look by today’s standards, I really like the effect of the shafts of light.

 

Another well-known predator of London, the oversized rats.  I suppose the trouble with London is that it’s hardly teeming with dangerous animals, so the developers had to use their imaginations when thinking up foes for Lara to fight.

 

Eventually, Lara finds herself on a crane, and decides to take a peek over the side.

 

Ah.  That was a bad idea.

 

Oh well, if you’re going to die horribly, might as well make sure your last moments are performed with style.

 

Uh…

 

…okay, this is getting a bit scary…

 

Flipping the picture upside makes her look even more terrifying.  The Shivas of India look positively cute by comparison.

 

Okay, lets get out of the Twilight Zone and reload a saved game.  Although…why is that paintbrush green if the paint on the floor is yellow?  What kind bizarre alternate universe is this?!

 

A nice bit of patriotism to convince us that we’re still in the UK, rather than the drug-induced hallucination the magical paintbrushes and killer crows may otherwise suggest.

 

Lara forgets to pack food and has to make do with nibbling on her ponytail.

 

Eventually, Lara finds her way off of the rooftops and comes face to face with a night security guard.  You know, not a blood-thirsty villain, just a man (albeit an armed man) doing his job.  Naturally, Lara kills him without a second thought.

 

Turns out all the poor man was guarding was a load of reservoirs (which begs the question: why the hell did his employer see fit to arm him for this task?), which Lara proceeds to swim about in.  That’s if she can summon the courage to fill them up, as the “filling up” sound is terrifying:

 

That’s not the sound of water filling up, it’s the sound of a portal to hell opening.

 

Lara finds her way into some kind of weird area where this cute-but-deadly little robot thing scoots around waving electrodes.  The purpose of this robot never becomes clear, and despite the fact that it’s not alive, Lara still manages to find a way to kill it.

 

Lara manages to knee herself in the eyes while performing a maneuverer.  Impressive but no doubt painful.

 

Finally, after a lot more swimming and security-guard-shooting, Lara surfaces in a ornate-looking domed room.

 

She’s finally made it to (presumably) St Paul’s Cathedral!

 

And now time for one of my absolute favourite Tomb Raider cutscenes, which you can watch here if you haven’t seen it before and your life needs permanently improving.

Lara is blithely skipping along the rooftops of Possibly-St-Paul’s Cathedral when she finds herself being shot at.

 

Lara quickly retaliates, returning fire as she dodges bullets and attempts to get closer to her attacker.

 

As she nears the man, he dives for cover inside the bell tower.

 

Wake up, Lara, we’re in the middle of a cutscene.

 

She leaps out to confront the man and quickly shoots him before he has a chance to retaliate.

 

Either that or he’s giving her the campest dismissal ever.  “Shoot at the hand, sister, cause the face ain’t listenin’!”

 

The gunman quickly recovers and attempts to pick up his fallen gun, but Lara is too fast for him.

She kicks him in the chest, but doesn’t  pull her leg away in time and the gunman seizes it.  Lara manages to hit him on the head with her pistol before she’s slammed to the ground.

 

This looks a lot more perverted in screen captions than it does in the video.  Gunman even manages a quick glance at Lara’s breasts (apparently excessive campness is not the sole preserve of homosexuals) before a gun is thrust in his face.

 

Make your bloody mind up, Lara.

 

Lara throws the gunman off of her and begins questioning him.  She finds out he works for Sophia Leigh, a woman who is apparently only Lara’s age, despite the fact that the gunman, his father and grandfather have all worked for her.

For some reason, this guy pronounces Sophia as “suh-PHI-uh”, which made me think for the longest time that his employer was called Sapphire Leigh.

 

Lara is momentarily distracted (by…uh…the moon?) and the gunman takes this opportunity to retrieve his weapon.  Aiming at Lara, he gloats that killing her could net him a special bonus.  “In fact, I could even be retiring from you!”

 

Lara looks calmly on in the face of these threats.  “Then you might like to mind…”

 

“…the bell!”

Oh please, watch the video, cause screen captures can not do this scene justice.

 

The gunman glances behind just in time the massive ringing bell swing towards him.  He attempts to run away but doesn’t even manage a step before it catches him and flings him through the air.

 

“Happy retirement.”

Just watch how his broken body flies through the air, majestic to the last.

 

Avoiding the bell, Lara slides down underneath it and through a hole in the floor.

And that’s the end of that level.  Next up, we visit London’s famous underground railway system, commonly known as the Tube.  Considering my current update timescale, expect the write-up of this adventure sometime late 2016!